Philadelphia, PA (My Sportsbook) - Ice hockey, skiing and ice-fishing each provide sportsmen and sportswriters alike with a wholesome and frolicsome good time during this time of year.

Yes, we can all be thankful that ice, wind and snow take over our sports calendar.

Because without those elements, sportswriters would never be able to con their assignment editors into staying inside and doing the mindless and obligatory "mock draft" column so prevalent in the colder months.

In fact, winter sports are so much fun that they make all sportswriters want to stay inside and do a 12-round mock draft for four or five professional sports as our fingers thaw out in front of a fire and we drink just one more glass of mulled wine.

While other writers attempt to separate each sport into their own "mock draft," my team of daredevil writers, fortified by mulled wine, for the first time in human history, will COMBINE all major professional sports drafts into one "El Grande Macho Mock Draft," which translates loosely into "the Big, Bad, Mock Draft."

How bad?

We'll let you be the judge.

With the first pick in the 2009 El Grande Macho Mock Draft, the Chicago Cubs take Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. Let's face it: The Cubs need to win the old-fashioned way by buying a World Series. And a federal bailout to the tune of $1 billion is the only way the Cubs can compete with the Yankees half-a-billion dollar payroll.

Pick number 2: Detroit Lions

With the second pick in the draft the Lions take GM Matt Millen again. Oh come on now, you have to admit that Millen's under-management was more fun than the Cowboys' Jerry Jones' over-management. It's at least led to more spectacular results.

Pick number 3: Ottawa Senators

With the third pick in the draft the Senators take the Gotham Girls Roller Derby All-Star Team, winners of the 2008 flat track nationals. The Gotham Girls could either take out the Ottawa Senators or the US Senators. If it were up to me, I'd have them take out the latter.

Pick number 4: Chicago Bulls

With the fourth pick Chicago tags Russian President Dmitry Medvedev. Sure Medvedev only stands about 5'4". But how else will the Bulls end their energy crisis?

Pick number 5: Barry Bonds

Wanted: one good libel attorney. Preferably in the Bay area. Client looking at possible seven-figure verdict. Please contact bbonds762@asterisk.com.

Pick number 6: Tennessee Titans

After a dozen trips to the Ravens' side of the field in the first round of the playoffs, in which the Titans couldn't buy a field goal or touchdown, Tennessee opts to draft a red-zone touchdown with the sixth pick of the El Grande Macho Mock Draft. Of course, the Titans can't use it until next year.

Pick number 7: San Jose Earthquakes

The MLS Earthquakes, who finished up with a record of 8 wins, 13 losses and 9 THRILLING ties, drafts the town of Sleepy Eye, MN (population 3,515) so their attendance mark can pass 17,000 for the first time since 1996 (their inaugural year) as they try to improve their record to 8 wins, 10 losses and 12 ties in 2009.

Pick number 8: Oklahoma

The Sooners trade Sam Bradford and a conditional first round pick to the Tennessee Titans for a red-zone touchdown. Too late to win the national title though.

Pick number 9: AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am and CBS TV

With the ninth pick in the El Grande Macho Mock Draft AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am and CBS-TV take Tiger Woods. Sure the Pebble Beach view is spectacular. But it would be improved with Tigers Woods, even on crutches.

Pick number 10: the World Boxing Organization

With the last pick of this year's draft the WBO takes one legitimate heavyweight champion. Or maybe even two, so one can take a dive.

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Bam Ransom's "Personal Fool" appears at sportsnetwork.com on alternating Fridays.