Philadelphia, PA (My Sportsbook) - Every New Year's Eve my dog George has a little Schnapps, eats a good book and then sidles up to an armchair to make sports predictions for the coming year.
Now that we've gotten that pesky 2008 out of the way, here's a preview of sports news from 2009, delivered in advance by George:
T.O. SHUTS THE %$#@ UP
The Dallas Cowboys' Terrell Owens is slapped with a lifetime speaking ban by the NFL after answering honestly the question "How are you?" on local Dallas radio show Dunham & Miller AM 1310.
The resulting league-enforced silence leads to gaseous build-up in Owens head, causing it to explode in the third preseason game after ANOTHER touchdown pass to tight end Jason Witten.
A headless Owens, who enjoys new aerodynamic properties by not having a head, leads the NFC in receptions, touchdowns and dropped passes in 2009. Owens finishes second in false start penalties to Carolina Panther center Ryan Kalil.
KIMBO SLICE AND O.J. FIGHT DEATH CAGE MATCH
4,347 people stand in line for over five hours in the Las Vegas heat and pay $400 per ticket to watch the two phonies fight to the death in the parking lot of the Palace Station Casino and Hotel.
The proceeds, plus television money from iN Demand Networks, goes to cover Simpson restitution payments plus court ordered reparation payments made to ultimate fighting fans by Slice's defunct promoter EliteXC.
Because no weapons are involved, there are no fatalities in the Death Cage match. The resulting lawsuit by disappointed fans, who allege false advertising, is packaged into a five week trial produced for television by Greta Van Susteren called "The Simpson Trials - Season 3."
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER PLAYS DETROIT LIONS IN CHARITY GAME
The two worst franchises in sports team up to help those less fortunate than the rest of us.
Over 500,000 fans pay $10 to watch the two teams compete in a traveling exhibition of lawn darts, badminton and croquet with the proceeds to help pay for therapy and other costs for those coaches and players who have to play for the two most hapless sports franchises ever.
In the final game, during a ceremony choked with emotion, aid packages are presented to the teams from over 40 countries including Afghanistan, Bosnia and Somalia.
ARENA FOOTBALL LEAGUE, MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER MERGE
The two leagues merge to form the first full-contact, indoor soccer league that, in the words of their official press release, "combines the violence of football with the...uh...name soccer."
Their motto is: "Sure we have more teeth than hockey, but just give us a little more time to catch up."
The new league is an immediate success, smashing previous attendance marks by both leagues COMBINED and soon passes women's professional basketball as the 11th-most-watched sport in the Upper Middle West.
In part, attendance is sparked by an incident in a game between the West Des Moines Rattlers and the Sheboygan Democrats, where an octopus is thrown on center field that then eats midfielder-defensive end-flanker David Beckham. The octopus is voted league MVP and confidently predicts that he'll eat Kimbo Slice someday soon.
CUBS BUY TRIBUNE, DEMOTE SPORTS WRITER TO TRIPLE A IOWA
The Chicago Cubs, tired of waiting for the sale of their parent company, the Tribune Company, buys the Chicago Tribune in order to improve the Cubs' news coverage for the upcoming season.
The team, displeased with several columns by Cubs beat reporter Paul Sullivan, trades him to the Cleveland Plain Dealer for Jane Kahoun, Deputy metro editor. In a related transaction the team demotes Bears writer David Haugh to Triple A affiliate Iowa Cubs saying, "David just needs to work on some mechanics with his lead paragraphs."
After 67 days in a row of Tribune headlines that declare "Cubs win again, 4-3, to extend streak," fans become suspicious when the paper issues its July 23rd edition with the banner headline "Cubs win World Series! Again!"
Mayor Daley, in a bid to distract Chicagoans from a scandal involving three goats, four very large cheese heads and several boxes of marbles, all of whom once held jobs or were granted contracts with the city, holds a victory parade for the Cubs on the 24th of July, at a cost of $1.5 billion borrowed from Fannie Mae, saying, "Hey if you can't trust me and you can't trust the Cubs and you can't trust the Tribune, you should be very, very, very careful. Especially when starting your car."
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Bam Ransom's "Personal Fool" appears at sportsnetwork.com on alternating Fridays.
